By Gary Van Sickle
Wednesday, March 05, 2014

DORAL, Fla. -- It is not enough to simply enjoy things in our world. We must judge them, rate them and rank them whenever possible.

I think it was David Letterman who originally enacted that law.

Anyway, that’s the impetus behind my first Official Twitter Golf Bio World Rankings (or OTGBWR as insiders at NORAD are already calling them).

I scanned the Twitter heavens for golf types. From those candidates, I culled the cleverest, most amusing and offbeat bio lines listed for the said Twitter user.

For example, late-night show host Conan O’Brien’s bio tag is “Voice of the people. Sorry, people.”

Filmmaker, actor and former standup comedian Albert Brooks: “Originally joined Twitter to promote my book. Now trapped. Can’t get out. Help.”

Hollywood Renaissance man Steve Martin: “From Jerk to proud Oscar winner! Oh, and a new CD with Edie Brickell is out now.”

Get the picture? So, using strict guidelines, I accepted only those entries that have at least a tenuous tie-in to golf.

That said, the Twitter-verse is vast, indeed, and I barely scanned half of it. If you choose to call this effort half-vast, I accept. Since I certainly missed some superb bio lines, I encourage you to forward some better examples and I will stand corrected and adjust the rankings on a semi-regular basis. Although to be honest, I’ll probably be lying down when I do it.

Here, then, are the Official Twitter Golf Bio World Rankings:

1. Rory McIlroy (@McIlroyRory)

Rory McIlroy
via @McIlroyRory

Delightful modesty befitting a former and probably future No. 1 player in the world. Everybody loves Rory. Figuratively, that is, Caroline.

2. Kip Henley (@KipHenley)

Kip Henley
via @KipHenley

That’s golf balls, of course. The man is one of the finest caddies on tour. You can tell simply by watching that he excels at carrying stuff.

3. The Old Course (@StAndrewsTOC)

St. Andrews
via @StAndrewsTOC

Tweaking the sacred Old Course in St. Andrews is to Scottish traditionalists what photoshopping Kermit the Frog into the Mona Lisa is to artists.

4. David Curran (@DavidCgolf)

David Curran
via @DavidCgolf

Why do I think he stole that line from someone?

5. Chris Kirk (@Chris_Kirk)

Chris Kirk
via @Chris_Kirk

I’m pretty sure some Congressmen borrow this bio line, too.

6. Graeme McDowell (@Graeme_McDowell)

Graeme McDowell
via @Graeme_McDowell

You forgot the part about the millions and millions of dollars, G-Mac.

7. Andres Gonzales (@Andres_Gonzales)

Andres Gonzalez
via @Andres_Gonzalez

I like the glass-half-full ambiguity of the “half-amazing” part. Is that self-deprecation or bragging? I choose to ignore the “half-man” part.

8. Mike H. (@Chase54_Mike)

Mike H.
via @Chase54_Mike

My hopes were briefly raised and then cruelly dashed. I can’t keep riding this emotional rollercoaster, man.

9. Gary Player (@garyplayer)

Gary Player
via @garyplayer

And you still look mah-velous.

10. Nate Smith (@NateSmithPGA)

Nate Smith
via @NateSmithPGA

Simplicity rules. No Phillip Seymour Hoffman jokes here, please. Show some respect.

11. Graham DeLaet (@GrahamDeLaet)

Graham DeLaet
via @GrahamDeLaet

Had I ranked him at 15, he would’ve pegged another two points. Hah!

12. David Feherty (@Fehertwit)

David Feherty
via @Fehertwit

I like surprises, like the fact that this one isn’t, “Pull my finger.”

13. Rick Fisher (@RDFish66)

Rick Fisher
via @RDFish66

He’s foolish enough to enter my football pool. I like him anyway.

14. Laura Neal (@LNeal_pgatour)

Laura Neal
via @LNeal_pgatour

All in favor of cupcakes? Yes, it’s unanimous. Your move, Commissioner.

15. Tom Watson (@TomWatsonPGA)

Tom Watson
via @TomWatsonPGA

Beware of old guys who use exclamation points. They intend to beat you.

16. Steve Flesch (@Steve_Flesch)

Steve Flesch
via @Steve_Flesch

The lefthander wouldn’t have cracked the top 20 if he’d only been a part-time realist or a half-hearted realist. Also as an avid realist, he can’t be a Cubs fan.

17. Steve Elkington (@elkpga)

Steve Elkington
via @elkpga

Your moment of Zen.

And this just in from the Van Cynical Mailbag...

Van Cynical, Why Valhalla for PGA Championship? Nothing less interesting than Valhalla as a venue.
—Craig Jordan via Twitter

I couldn’t agree more, C.J. At the first PGA there, I wrote about the course’s failings, and one player who aptly described the awkward 18th green complex as a giant “toilet seat.” He wasn’t wrong. That said, the PGA of America owns the course, so it doesn’t have to pay a course rental. Another big payday for the PGA.

Vanny Cynical, If Victor Dubuisson needs a nickname, it’s gotta be D’Artagnon. Love your Q&A fun, btw.
—Nancy Plummer via Twitter

I guess Victor’s riveting breakthrough showing didn’t inspire everyone else as much as I thought. The Van Cynical Mailbag’s only nominees for his nickname are yours and my rejected one—V.D. You’re a winner.

Gary, Who will be the first player on any men’s tour to endorse Depends For Men? They advertise on Golf Channel and I figure someone will eventually “soak up” that sponsorship money.
—Phil in L.A. via e-mail

I believe you’re right. Some lucky Champions Tour player is going to get a big endorsement and be flush with money. I can’t even hazard a guess, but I’ll go with the super-senior of your choice. I’d rather see some celeb golfer in those frequently run Cialis bits, either in one of the two bathtubs or pounding that tent stake in the ground while staring intently at his significant other. That would be riotous.

Vans, What do you think of Donald Trump and the new Doral?
—Kirby via e-mail

The Donald is a genius at spending other people’s money. I’m sure the new Doral will turn heads, either in a good way or in the two-car accident way. All I know is, there’s gotta be a waterfall out there somewhere. The Donald loves his waterfalls. Can’t wait to see it.

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