Friday, May 25, 2007

For the longest time, I thought politics and sports didn't mix, but then I moved to America, where it didn't take me long to realize that politics is actually the bullshitter's Olympics, where every four years the athletes hope to peak like Longhorns on laxatives. If you don't think politics is a sport, consider that politicians are stupid enough to want a low-paying job that allows the country to shine a flashlight up their kilts, but smart enough to get away with what might be revealed, and then figure out a way to make a fortune in endorsements from corporate sponsors. Sounds like a sport to me.

I may not have a vote, but I live in Texas, and I love this country as much as any of y'all other 'Murricans out there, so I'm going to spin my cow-pattie into your corral for consideration. The 2008 presidential race is already garnering full-time coverage from all the major TV networks, none of which paid a communist-red cent for the privilege. That right there is just un-American. As a taxpayer, I believe we should be able to limit campaign coverage to two networks, one conservative and one liberal. For the sake of argument, we'll let only Fox and CNN cover the race, and we should be allowed to charge them both out their fair-and balanced asses for it. Then, we'd have proper American election coverage, which could be sold to the giant companies with vested interests. To sweeten the pot, every presidential candidate should have to run on a ticket with an idiot from the world of sports or entertainment. We could call it Campaigning with the Stars, with Wolf Blitzer as one host, and on the other side, Shep Smith. (Incidentally, why the hell can't Fox come up with a better name for Shep? We've got a Wolf Blitzer on one side, and a Shep Smith on the other? Holy crap, that race is over before it starts.)

Of course, we'd need three judges to jerk the candidates around — a sweetheart woman (with big assets), a knowledgeable minority sort (with a weight problem) and a brutally honest English prick (with the sort of face you'd never tire of punching).

Now, the fun bit would be pairing the running mates. As an independent with nothing to gain, I'd like to be a consultant. I'd go with Rudy Giuliani, who has already proven he can deal with disaster and scandal, and see if he could get out of Paris Hilton without wriggling. Or just stay out of her for that matter. Hillary Clinton could be an Olympian on leg-strength alone — hell, she could be the first president to kick-start Air Force One — so it would be interesting to see if she could shake Kinky Friedman off, or maybe Rosie O'Donnell would be tougher. Al Gore is so damned annoying, if he had an English accent, we could make him a judge, but I think I'd handcuff him to Sean Penn or Tom Cruise. Newt Gingrich deserves to be president simply because his first name is Newt. I'd put him with that political comedian Bill O'Reilly, so that if he won, his vice president could be "'Toad." I like Barack Obama, so I'd give him Angelina Jolie. Nobody gives him a chance anyway, so at least he'd have a view.

If you think this idea is nuts, check your history books and you'll find plenty of eccentric, stupid, and sometimes lunatic presidents. Teddy Roosevelt shot everything that moved (and some that didn't). If JFK hadn't been assassinated, he probably would have 'not have sex with that woman'-ed himself to death. An enormous percentage of presidents have been of Scots-Irish descent, one of who, Ronald Reagan, may not have known he was president but knew he played one on TV — so this could work! Stranger things have happened, like you reading this on the back page of a Golf Magazine for instance ... and me being paid for it.

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