By David Feherty
Wednesday, August 01, 2007

I was at the optometrist the other day, sitting behind that odd apparatus they swing in front of your nose.

The doc slipped a couple of lenses into it. "How does that look to you?" he asked me. "Well," I said, "I was hoping for something a little smaller." And then something snapped in my head like the elastic in Sir Elton John's panties.

My eye quack looked suspiciously like Mike Weir playing a doctor. Which got me to thinking about what these guys I work with. What would they do if they weren't Tour players?

All the broadcast and journalism jobs for clinically depressed alcoholic ex-Tour players with superiority complexes being filled, they would have to find real employment and, frankly, I'm not sure that many of them would be up to the challenge.

Here, based solely on appearance and body language, is my best guess at what the likes of Phil and Padraig would be doing if they had 23 handicaps like the rest of us.

Gary McCord

Sergio Garcia

Justin Leonard

John Daly

Bobby Clampett

Tiger Woods

Vijay Singh

Phil Mickelson

Padraig Harrington

Jean Van de Velde

Ernie Els

Retief Goosen

Jim Furyk

Fred Funk

Tim Herron

Scott Hoch

Peter Oosterhuis

Jesper Parnevik

Brad Faxon

Peter Kostis

Jim Nantz

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