Tour and News

New Rules for Tiger


The look on Tiger's face said he couldn't believe it was so easy as he tapped in for his third straight Buick Invitational title on Sunday. Having won seven straight Tour titles, the man clearly needs a new challenge or 16.

So, in the spirit of the Ryder Cup, where if you don't like the results you just change the rules, here are a few suggestions to level the playing field:

1. Swing coach Hank Haney shall be fired post haste, and replaced by swing coach Mac O'Grady. But don't worry, T. We hear Mac O's done wonders for Seve Ballesteros.

2. Buick ads will feature Tiger's range balls and tour bag being stolen not by some dweeboid in Dockers but by Oklahoma linebacker Rufus Alexander. ("Explode" through the tackle, Tiger, and don't forget to wrap up.)

3. On the subject of range balls, Woods won't be hitting them. To loosen up before rounds he'll be limited to a round of virtual, EA Sports golf, plus four jumping jacks.

4. Mark Steinberg will step down as Woods's agent; Tiger's multi-million dollar business interests will be managed by former child actor Dustin (Screech) Diamond.

5. Because Woods was seven of 10 getting up and down from greenside bunkers last week, he will hit all future sand shots with Bode Miller's left ski boot.

6. Armed with a Blackberry and a portable TV, Woods will intervene mid-round with short game tips should anyone, say, Andrew Buckle, attempt an ill-advised flop shot or two.

7. Tiger's on-course decisions will be handled by his new caddie, Kevin Federline, with input from his new mental coach, Paula Abdul.

8. Should Federline and Abdul be touring, recording or incarcerated, Woods will defer on strategy to his nearest pursuer, in Sunday's case Charles Howell III. ("Take dead aim, sir. No better way to protect a one-shot lead on 18 than a 5-wood out of the sand over a goldfish pond.")

9. Speaking of club choices, Woods will be doing a bit of tinkering, switching brands from Nike to U.S. Kids. He'll be changing putters, too, from Scotty Cameron to Bauer.

10. Out: Tiger's new, three-cover Nike One. In: the remote-controlled orb Fred Funk brought to the last Skins Game.

11. Ownership of said remote shall be on a time-share basis, between Phil Mickelson, Vijay Singh and Ed Fiori.

12. Woods will be trailed 24/7 by his official biographer, the occasional GQ contributor Charles Pierce; his scorer, Sign Boy; and his nutritionist, Danny Bonaduce.

13. Sacha Baron Cohen will handle mid-round interviews.

14. As on the Champions Tour, Woods will be forced to play amid a blinding haze of secondhand cigar smoke.

15. Woods will henceforth work, as the late Ed Bradley did, while wearing an earring: the 25-pound FedEx Cup.

16. Britney Spears will provide parenting tips.

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