Nice guys really do finish last. Jimmy Fallon could not possibly be nicer, and he could not possibly be worse at sports. Pretty much all sports. Golf included. “I’m terrible at everything,” he admits with a laugh. “I’m everyone’s favorite person to play with because you’re guaranteed to win.” He’s much better at punch lines than punch shots. This week, Late Night with Jimmy Fallon is broadcasting from Super Bowl host city Indianapolis (12:35am, NBC), with a special live show airing Sunday night after the game. I chatted with Fallon about his golf swing, why he’s done with Tiger jokes and the one athlete he’d trade laces with.
 
Golf turns up from time to time on “Late Night.” You’ve played hallway golf with Sam Jackson and battled Tiger Woods on Wii. When did you get hooked on the game?
I golfed on the high school team. My grandfather always said, “It’s a sport you can play the rest of your life.” But it wasn’t my first choice. It was much cooler to be on the baseball team. That was the sport with all the glory. I went out for baseball, but I was awful. I always struck out. Other teams would actually tell me what they were gonna throw to help me: “Dude, this one’s coming down the middle!” I felt so bad for my dad. That’s when I decided to become a comedian and forget my dreams of being the next Brooks Robinson. I also failed at basketball. And I wanted to try out for track, but I got mono.
 
So golf was your fallback?
Yeah, I really wanted to show my family that I could play a sport. One day there was an announcement on the loudspeaker: “Is anyone interested in joining the golf team? We need one more person to have a team.” I realized, “This is my chance! They have to take me, or else there won’t be competitive golf at school. I’ll save the school!” I got a set of clubs from a garage sale, Wilson Gear Effect irons. Great set.
 
Who taught you the game?
Our coach was a great character. He said, “Golf is all about irons.” Which is why, while my putter and driving are pretty bad, I’m still good with my irons. Coach was really into his irons. He said he could beat me using only two clubs. He’d say, “I don’t need a putter. I don’t need a driver. I can beat you with two irons.” I was like, “Calm down, buddy. Gimme a break. I just got over mono.”
 
I’m guessing you weren’t the team’s top player.
No, but I had one moment of glory [in a high school match]. It came down to one putt against a local school. I was the last one playing, because I was the worst. They said, “Jimmy, if you sink this, we win.” I was like, “Oh my gosh!” The sun was setting. I was shaking. My shadow was all weird over my line, distracting me. That’s how bad my A.D.D. is: “Hey, look at my shadow!” I was so nervous, I had to remind myself where to put my feet. I sank it. The rest of the year, I was awful. I’m a great golf partner for three reasons: I play fast. I play by the rules. And you will beat me. Who wouldn’t want to play with me? I make sports better for everyone. [Laughs]
 
If you’re so bad, what keeps you playing?
Golf is all about that one shot—the good drive, the good putt, the amazing chip. That’s what you live for. You can be hacking it up for three hours, but all you need is that one good shot to bring you back.
 
Do you play in pro-ams?
I played in the Bob Hope once, and by the third day I could barely walk. You watch TV and think some guys are pounding a 12-pack before they play, but these guys are in shape. Tiger is totally jacked. No fat on his body. He looks like a linebacker.
 
Speaking of Tiger, last year you thanked him on-air for all the jokes his scandal gave you. Was that awkward? Did he clear that ahead of time?
Actually, his people asked me not to bring up the scandal. But how could I not? Balls, shafts, holes. Foursomes! Come on. The jokes wrote themselves. Tiger gave us material for a year, so I thanked him on behalf of all comedians. He could have gotten upset. He could have said, “Hey, edit that out.” But he took it like a man. It actually seemed to relax him. I think it was a breaking point for him and all the jokes that were being made. Once the jokes are in front of the person, it’s over. Time to move on and just let him be the greatest golfer ever. I’m a fan, and I want to see him start winning again.
 
Since you’re hosting shows Super Bowl week in Indy, let’s talk football. Who’s your football idol?
That’s easy. Warren Moon.
 
Really?
I used to love the Houston Oilers because of Warren Moon. Not because of his play. I loved his name. I mean, he wore No. 1. And his last name is Moon! How cool is that? If there was a hockey player named John Moon, and he wore No. 1, I’d root for him. By the way, does Chad Ochocinco still go by that name, or has he switched?
 
I’m not sure.
See, that’s why football’s exciting—you don’t know what his name will be!
 
You played Tom Brady on a Late Night bit called “Pro Bowl Shuffle.” Did you ever hear from him?
No, but he would have loved it. We hit him pretty hard, right? Didn’t we make fun of his hair?
 
Yeah. You rapped, “I’m the funky QB they call Tom Brady/If you saw me from the back you’d think I was a lady.”
[Laughs] Maybe we’ll get him on the show [this week]. We’re hoping to have the winners on. We have some great, funny stuff planned.
 
You have a great job, but if you could trade places with any athlete, who would it be?
You gotta go with Brady. He’s got it going pretty good. Then again, I wouldn’t handle NFL pressure the way he does. And my wife might be upset about me being married to Giselle.