Saturday, July 07, 2007

Tiger won again. Not that I would be one to say I told you so, but I distinctly remember telling you recently that I thought he was fairly promising. I love it when I'm right, which is going to start happening more often, I'm glad to be able to tell you.

You see, I have just been appointed (Acting) Commissioner of the Virtual Golf Association. Yes my gaming friends, for those of you who play Microsoft Links LS 2000, I am now your Supreme Commander, the big cheese, if you like, and even though the entire concept is a figment of my own imagination, I intend to milk it for all it's worth. Hey, we're in cyberspace for the love of Sister Mary in six-inch heels, so why shouldn't I?

Unbeknownst to me, there a lot of people who have had so much free time at work, that they are now pretty darned good at this computer game, so much so that it has led to the creation of the VGA, which I have seen fit to appoint myself the ruler of. I just ended a sentence with a preposition, and I couldn't give a monkey's fart. I think the power is going to my head already.

There is one minor problem, but as I share it with both Tim Finchem and Paul Tagliabue, I'm not going to let it bother me too much. I am now in charge of a sport at which I really, really, genuinely suck like a $500 vacuum cleaner. In fact, no matter where in the U.S. you live, if you care to take a walk to your front door and open it, if you listen very carefully, you can probably hear me suck right now.

It's sort of a strange feeling, in two very different ways. I was pretty good at the real game in my day, but now in the virtual world of golf, I'm a rank beginner again. Guys in cubicles, who have never been on a real golf course, are kicking my butt. Worse than that, it was I who did the commentary for Links LS 2000, and at times I was less than polite about the situations that I felt some of the duffers might find themselves in. Now I'm a helpless victim of my own abuse, and Spectravision isn't even in the equation.

Well anyway, if you play, you will have the chance to compete against the pros in the real world. I'm not playing, as I will be content to sit in my virtual cart, watching the play in both realms. Of course, as Acting Commissioner, I am not the real Commissioner; I'll just be acting like I am. That way I can still hang around for the virtual beverage cart, drink heavily, and fine people for behaving exactly like I do.

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