First of all, thanks for all your e-mails suggesting titles for my Uncle Dickie book. I had no idea so many people read this bit. Also, if anyone knows a Mr. Gary Moody of Muscatine, Iowa, could they please e-mail me his address (via firstname.lastname@example.org) as he has been kind enough to send me a number of beautiful feathery replicas over the last few years, but never with a return address.
OK, so McCord shoots 7-under par for the Bank One Championship last week in Dallas, and if he had putted even badly, he could have finished second behind Watson. A badly injured hamster would have made more birdies off the second shots McCord hit over the three days. I hate to admit it, but he is a very good player indeed. More to the point, I am, as I found out, a very average caddie. He could have got better advice from the cart I was driving. Thanks to that cart though, I was able to comply with half the instructions I was given on the first tee, those being, "Keep up and shut up."
You could be forgiven for thinking that, given the amount of time I spend with great players and their caddies, I should have some idea when to take the flagstick and when to shut my cakehole, but you'd be wrong. I had way too much attitude to be a good caddie. Whenever Gary hit it into a bunker, I'd be there with a couple of sand wedges, the putter, and a rake at the ready, with damp towel slung over my shoulder. After he splashed out, I raked the bunker, invariably dropping the towel in the sand, and then rushed over to swap the sand wedge for the putter, take the flagstick, and clean the ball the same time. I looked like a monkey standing up in a hammock making love to a set of bagpipes.
Only once in three rounds did he tell me he hit the wrong club. I, of course, instead of acting like a good caddie and taking my lumps, told him it was the right club and he was the wrong player. After the last round I stood with him, signing autographs, and it struck me why Fluff got into trouble. Also, I realized that I probably had more fun than any other caddie in the tournament, and that I was definitely the only caddie that got paid exactly what he was worth. Zero.