Saturday, January 20, 2007

If you've ever wanted to send David Feherty a question or comment, here's your chance! David is putting down his mike to answer your E-mails in his mailbag column for GOLFONLINE.

Click here to send him a question or comment. But consider yourself warned -- he's golf's ultimate wise guy!

What changes would you propose to the networks and the PGA Tour to improve television coverage of golf?
-- Tom Johnson, Suwanee, GA

Hmm...that's a beauty to start off with. Sadly, I only have a few million words to work with here, and only so many years (hopefully) left to live. The first thing I would do is abolish any kind of electronic access to information for the announcers, which would cut down on the mindlessly boring statistical onslaught we're subjected to on a regular basis. I couldn't give a rat's ass about Tim Herron's sand save percentage from last year, I want to know how many Marlboros he burns in a round, compared to Nicky Price. I want the occasional lengthy period of silence too. Nothing builds tension like silence before a shot. That's why Longhurst was so brilliant, and Summerall was the master of play-by-play minimalism. The fact that both of them were frequently too hammered to speak was purely coincidental.

What's up with Jim Nance's pronunciation of your name? Is he being a smartass or is he just still in brainlock from spending the NFL season locked on a set with Deion and the other idiots? He sounds as if someone is kicking him in the gut (or worse) as he spits out "FAY-HAIR-TEE."
-- Jim Evans, San Antonio, TX

What's up with your spelling of Nantz? You're right though, pretty much no one pronounces my name correctly, and it's the moron McCord's fault. The name is actually pronounced FEER-TEE, with two syllables only, and the "h" silent, like the "p" in "bathing". I now pronounce it FERR-UH-TEE, myself, simply because I don't want to explain it to idiots like you. Remember, "idiot" is a term of endearment where I come from.

This morning in our league play, two people hit from the orange tee instead of the red tee which was about two club lengths ahead. What would this ruling be? It was on the correct tee but the wrong position.
-- Pat Judd, Fairhope, AL

Pat, What the hell is an orange tee? Sounds like a damned smoothie to me. Luckily for me as I write, (on a damned Fokker) I happen to be sitting beside Tim Feemster, a member of the USGA, and the nosy bugger is reading your question too. As far as we can tell from your question, the oranges were behind the reds, in which case, if your friends hit their tee shots from a position which was within (about) two club lengths from the reds, then no penalty was incurred, and sadly no foul was committed. The key word here is "about." If they teed off from more than two clublengths behind, you have a case, but given the fact they were in that gray area between orange and red, the situation as Tim and I read it, is neither black, nor white. I hope this clears up the confusion, or at least makes it a little more opaque.

I love what you do, and I'd be interested to know what you think about the latest crop of actors, and their views on the war against terrorism.
-- Dave, Denton OH

I think that Barbara Streisand has every right to stand up and share her pinko, totally tubular, peacenik, power-of-the-flower views with the rest of us here in these great United States. This country is all about freedom of expression. However, I'm equally glad that Donald Rumsfeld has so far resisted the urge to express himself by attempting the lead role in a musical comedy like Funny Girl.

I recently read your book A Nasty Bit of Rough on a direct flight from Minneapolis to Honolulu. I laughed so hard that I thought they'd stop the plane in LA and boot me off. I have two questions. Are there any plans for another book coming soon? How would Uncle Dickie weigh in on the Martha/Hootie controversy?
-- Tom Poe, Minneapolis

God, I hope you're related to Edgar, or maybe even Allen. The Raven is my favorite. I'm delighted to hear you enjoyed Nasty. According to my publisher, a sequel entitled, A Beastly Turn of Events is on the way. I hope the bastard has a plot for it, that's all I can say. In the meantime, you'll have to make do with the compilation, Somewhere in Ireland a Village is Missing an Idiot, which is published by Rugged Land.

Uncle Dickie would say, "Martha who?"

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