David Feherty's Mailbag

If you've ever wanted to send David Feherty a question or comment, here's your chance! David is putting down his mike to answer your E-mails in his mailbag column for GOLFONLINE.

Click here to send him your best question or comment. (Note: Letters may be edited for clarity and length).


Q: Forwilliam Golf Club, how would you rate it as compared to other golf courses in Northern Ireland and Ireland. I enjoyed playing the course. Is it the 10th or 11th hole where you have to ring the bell, to let those on the tee box that it is okay to hit. - Bill Sullivan, New Berlin, Wisconsin

Bill,
You mean Fortwilliam Golf Club on Downview Avenue in Belfast; lovely little gem. Short but a giggle to play. If I was sober, I definitely hung over and never rang that damn bell. And I'd feel like kneecapping anybody who did. If I was drunk, I couldn't ring the stupid thing in the first place. I'm glad they replaced it, though. Some of the boys and I misappropriated the son of a bitch one night after a few snifters and mounted it top of Declan Meagher's dad's car. Every time he hit the brakes the whole neighborhood would drop to their knees thinking the Queen had grabbed her hat (died). It seemed funny at the time anyway. Apparently the Queen survived it.

Q: Practicing putting is the most mind numbingly boring thing on the planet. How do you do it? - Earl Trigg, Dade City, Florida

Earl,
Whose column are you reading? Unless you make your living at the game, absolutely no time should be devoted to practice at all. Hey, if you feel compelled to play golf, fine, play away. But the time most people spend on practicing golf should go towards more worthwhile endeavors such as bestiality, making hats for small farm animals, curing impetigo, spaying cats, or anything else that will give some return on time invested.

Q: Do PGA Tour players play a specific ball from their sponsor based on the characteristics of the course (length, soft/firm greens, etc.) for a given week, like opting for ProV1 instead of V1X? - Dennis Jones, Memphis, Tenn.

Dennis,
No, they play the ball that fits the characteristics of their swing and the ball flight that results. Ordinarily, the conditions of the course don't impact the type of ball they play one way or another. Balls are generally more affected in the air than they are on the ground. Once they hit the ground, gravity takes over. There are so many variables in ball dynamics that a player would need to consult with the Nobel Prize winner for physics, which, despite my enlightening paper on "The scrotal tenacity of ticks in Beagles," once again was not me this year.

Q: Okay, you must be playing a bit too much golf. Some of us are impatiently waiting for the follow-up to your great book, "Nasty Bit of Rough" and "Beastly Turn of Events." Will it be out for Christmas? How about spring of 2006? I have read "Nasty Bit of Rough" six times and I still laugh at the characters. - Tom, Indiana

Tom,
God bless you my son. You are the kind of discerning, erudite, sophisticated reader we try to cultivate. A "Beastly Turn of Events" is in the works as we speak. The reason for the delay has nothing to do with me playing golf, however. My publisher, Rugged Land, is headed up by the "tilt down guy"; you know, the third guy from the left on that evolutionary chart? The man is denser than heavy water. He thinks there should be some sort of "outline" of the story first. Has this nimrod never heard of James Joyce and "Stream of Consciousness"? I think not. Did Yeats work on a deadline? Don't think so. But it'll be out by the end of next year and a moron like you will love it. Uncle Dickie and the boys are at it again. In the meantime, why don't you fill your useless, empty hours perusing my latest tome "An Idiot for all Seasons." The email questions between the chapters are worth the price of admission. Some of the most brilliant work I've never produced.

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