Best of Feherty

David Feherty
Michael Cohen/WireImage.com

E-mail Feherty a question at feherty@golf.com.

A real throwback
"For the sake of John Wayne's ass, I get it — cigarettes are bad for you! But that doesn't erase the fact that some of my heroes smoked, and this sanitization of history pisses me off. How long before we remember Porky Oliver as thin, Trevino as mute, and Tommy Bolt as a Zen master?"
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O, Teacher, My Teacher
"I refuse to teach. I never had the eye, the ability, or the patience for it. In fact, when I would tell people what I thought they should be doing, and they didn't do it, I had a tendency to slap them upside the head. This worked fine with kids, but the elderly would tell on me, or worse, kick my ass."
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Fly on the Ball: Verizon Heritage Edition
"All in all it was the most wind I've seen since the camp fire scene in Blazing Saddles."
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Ass good as it gets
"I always admired [Gary McCord's] buttocks, as they looked so much more comfortable than my own."
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Fly on the Ball: Masters Wrap-Up
"It was like watching Nascar on ice, or a U.S. open, except when a ball was hit off line they had a chance of making a recovery shot."
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The Drug Gist
"She Who Must Be Obeyed says I have no business commenting on drug use in sports because when I was playing I was usually so hungover that they'd have had to jackhammer the floor around the toilet to get enough urine for a sample."
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Spaulding!
"Sarah Holcomb played Maggie [in Caddyshack], the girl who thought she was knocked up, proving once again that a comedy filled with ethnic slurs and stereotypes needs to include someone with a bad Irish accent, who is either fighting, getting drunk, or pregnant, or in this case, all three."
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Foot in Mouth Disease
"If you're not certain how much money the guy you're playing with has made this season, do not ask — especially if you're beating him like a Whac-A-Mole."
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Get Behind America!
"Whether it was sport or something really important (like war), it's been a tough year to be an American playing abroad. The basketball team lost to Greece at the World Championships. Yes, the same Greece where just last year they discovered the object was to put the ball through the hoop, not throw it at the other team like dodgeball."
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Tackle Dummy
"The first time my pals Buck and T.D. took me [quail hunting], I remember thinking how in the hell are they going to throw a 60 lb. German pointer high enough to hunt frigging birds? I mean, shouldn't a bird-hunting dog be something you could get a tight spiral on, like maybe a wiener? Or a Chihuahua? Idiots."
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Criminal Negligence
"Now I'm gonna see if I can get this freak [Tom] Weiskopf to glue a possum on his head, and pretend he's holding something that can cut you. It might get him on the [World Golf Hall of Fame] ballot. Don't laugh, it worked for a skinny Puerto Rican called Chi Chi."
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The Naked Truth
"I had to bounce on a trampoline in a cheerleader's outfit, and was worried that something might pop out, you know, like those female Russian weightlifters in the 1970s, so I had doubled up and worn a pair of men's briefs underneath my big yellow panties. As it turned out I needn't have worried; the panties we re industrial polyester, designed to keep zitty teenage boys out, and so tight it was all I could do not to yodel."
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Trophy Hunting
"I just love the British Open Championship, especially the ones played back in the days when there were more sheep on the course than golfers, and it was difficult to tell the two apart."
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And it stoned me
"Apparently, a person who dives headfirst down an icy cliff wearing a spandex jumpsuit is supposed to celebrate with a nice glass of tea. We all know when one drinks tea, one must extend one's pinky finger. Bode [Miller] drank the Long Island version and extended the wrong finger, that's all."
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