How to ensure a winning match
Pick a partner who'll have you rolling in cash
If you're truly lazy, the best way to win a match is to have it be over before it starts. And the best way to do that is to pick the partner who best complements your game. The trick: Find your complete opposite from among the following.
The Slacker: All he does is practice. All you do is lean on him through 18. What he looks like: Early 40s, with the faintest hint of a potbelly and a penchant for rumpled khakis. Think Jeff Bridges in The Big Lebowski. Where to find him: The driving range, or the bar.
The Negotiator: Haggles on the first tee like he's buying a used car. What he looks like: Lean, good-looking guy in his late 40s with just enough natural sheen to hide the snake oil. Think Michael Douglas in Wall Street. Where to find him: Sales floor at an Audi dealer.
The Grinder: He keeps it in play, and makes the ugliest pars you've ever seen. What he looks like: Schlumpy, salt-and-pepper guy in his late 50s. Retired (but on a fixed income), he's a distant cousin of Walter Matthau. Where to find him: Volunteering as a starter.
The Boss of the Moss: He makes everything he (and everyone else) looks at. What he looks like: A rail-thin weasel with a sun-bleached nose and the fixed gaze of a dingo. Think Steve Buscemi, with straighter teeth. Where to find him: The putting green.
LOWEST-IMPACT GAMES
1. Alternate shot You hit the tee shot. Your partner hits the approach. And so on. You both save energy by taking half the usual number of swings.
2. Scramble The lazy man's salvation. Just play from wherever the best ball falls. No more searching for errant shots.
3. Animal Hit one in the water? That's a frog. Bunker? A camel. Three-putt? A snake. At the end of the round, whoever's stuck with an animal pays a penalty. The game can be played with appropriately themed head covers, which you assign to the guy who hit the offending shot. It's mindless scorekeeping. You'll never have to search for a pencil again.
