Dear Dave,
I'm a curious young guy wondering what lessons in life have you have learned from your prestigious golf career? A short list will do ... I wouldn't expect it to be long anyway. I'm sure that you have learned a lot of what-not-to-do from Mr. Poor-Excuse-For-A-Mustache McCord. — Joe
Joe:
All young guy's are curious, Joe, but I think I detected a child's portion of sarcasm in your question when you say you wouldn't expect to see a long list anyway. You have spunk, Joe. And as Lou Grant would say, "I hate spunk." Herewith my list of lessons learned from my golf career:
1. Never make a bet with someone if you are the only one who has to do anything.
2. Guinness is nothing more than a beer sandwich and it's time to quit when you pee brown.
3. The size of the check you just won is directly proportional to the size of the hammers on the woman hanging on your every word in the bar on Sunday night.
4. It's a calumny that bartenders are authorized to perform marriages.
5. Depression is anger without the enthusiasm.
6. If you're playing a guy from the West Coast, you can double his stated handicap; if he's from the East Coast, halve it. For some deranged reason, this holds true in any country in the world.
7. Never jog, it's too hard to keep the ice in your glass.
8. If you can't fly first class, drive; except to Hawaii.
9. Clint Eastwood's the only guy who ever looked good with a cigar in his teeth.
10. Only black guys should shave their heads.
Dear Mr. Feherty:
You are extremely crude and crass. You must have had an ugly childhood. Do you realize how many people will not let their children read GOLF Magazine because of your articles and their content? The May publication was an excellent example. —Jack McCrory
Dear Mr. McCrory:
Actually I do realize how many people won't let their kids read my articles. You're the only one. I doubt if a greased pin could be pulled out of your ass with a John Deere tractor. Lighten up. We're not curing cancer here, it's just golf, for God's sake.
