However, no one seems to offer these quivering victims any advice. Well, here are my "Seven Steps to Pro-am Heaven" — for pro and amateur alike. A few dos and don'ts of playing with the pro — a road map through the purgatory of the pro-am.
I always try to imagine what it would be like for me if I were plucked out of my comfort zone and thrust into the spotlight, say, on stage with Bruce Springsteen or into the boardroom with Bill Gates, and told not to make an idiot of myself. The truth is that neither Bruce nor Bill would expect me to be any good at all. I, on the other hand, would still like to give a decent account of myself, or at least limit the damage.
The first thing to remember is that your pro requires one thing from you — that you enjoy yourself. The reason we play for so much money these days is that you do enjoy the game, you do buy the equipment that you don't need, and you do love to watch us on television. So, don't be overawed: Chances are you do something for a living that we would be completely useless at. A good pro will always do his or her best to put you at ease on the first tee, so when you make your first swing that makes contact with the planet nine inches behind the ball and measures 4.8 on the Richter scale, you can at least have a laugh at it, too.
Some of the best fun I've had on a golf course has been with complete hackers who have had enough confidence in what they do in other walks of life to laugh it off without self-consciousness, while enjoying the walk and the banter.
So, here are a few guidelines that will help both you and your pro enjoy the day:
1. GET A CADDIE. It's the only way to play the game. You can walk free of hindrance and have the club handed to you clean and dry. If possible, get one of the Tour caddies whose man isn't in the pro-am. For $50, you can have someone who is used to being screamed at, blamed for the weather, the rate of inflation, and some of those hard-to-explain skin rashes.
Mind you, he won't be able to club you because you don't know which part of the club the ball is about to bounce off of. However, he will be able to regale you with stories on and off the course most people are never privy to.
2. BE READY TO HIT. Even if it isn't your turn. Discuss with your partners the concept of "ready golf" before you tee off. This means forgetting whose honor it is — if you're ready, just go. Pro-am play is hideously slow at the best of times and your pro will really appreciate it if you make the effort to keep it going.
There is nothing sadder than watching a finely-tuned athlete walking slowly into the woods to whack his forehead on a Scotch pine just to relieve the pain of watching a 23-handicap account executive from Sheboygan agonize over whether to miss the green by 70 yards with a heavily disguised 11-wood or a very fat 4-iron. It makes me droop just thinking about it.
